Doggies!

Ok folks, this is pretty much the best thing that has ever happened.

If you go to www.westminsterkennelclub.org you can watch video of the breed competitions from this year's dog show.

THIS MEANS HOURS AND HOURS AND PILES OF DOGS, PEOPLE.

The cuteness is nearly overwhelming.

So yeah, if you like dogs, this is where it's at for you right now.

This one skipped one

So, today is Valentine's Day. Not a bad holiday, I guess. At least the original concept, a celebration of love and affection, seems good. But like all the other cool holidays it has turned into something far more sinister.

*cue Imperial March*

But seriously, it seems like everyone treats Valentine's Day as an obligation. They say things like "I'd better get the significant other something, or he/she will be angry." Well, is that how love works on every other day of the year? For some reason, we feel compelled to prove it to each other on this specific day. And I wonder how much of this proving it to each other is actually proving it to society as a larger unit. There are these expectations for how relationships will work, and I for one often have to fight to get past the preconceptions that culture has put into my head.

Especially at college this is at work. There seems to be a standard belief that college couples will spend every waking (and probably sleeping) moment together. Well, that's fine I guess. But it's not realistic. And I'm not entirely sure it's healthy.

*note this isn't meant as an attack on any specific person or couple, just my thoughts on the practice of being in a relationship at college, which anyone has to admit is an odd place to be in a relationship*

But again, we create these expectations, and then we internalize them. When our own lives fail to meet up to the "college experience," we feel like we're missing something, even though that something is not real. You can't drink every day of your life and enjoy yourself. You can't live free of obligation to others. You can't be with someone every moment of the day. These are just facts that alot of people don't seem to be able to get past.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I wish that Valentine's Day stood for something real and good, like comittment or fidelity or desire. But instead, it seems to be a metaphor for how we constantly need to reassure ourselves and others that our relationships conform to a standard that nobody really holds.

Perhaps I'm wrong on this one, I welcome comments.

Ok, let's try that one again...

I'm coming back to this journal, I think. I like the stuff I wrote in here last May, even though that seems like a long time ago. But this is just a note to let whoever reads this know that I'm back in business on the journal front, only perhaps in a more thoughtful manner this time. Peace.

Look at your life

There is no conflict between science and Christianity. The reason for this is that they operate in wholly seperate spheres. Christianity is concerned with, as my friend Jen puts it, existential participation in the truth. This is, quite obviously, impossible for science. Science has its truth which requires objectivity, distance, and repeated confirmation. This is a different truth than the truth of Christianity, although it is useful in its own sphere. Those who claim science as their God must be made aware that their truth does not go far enough; it leaves a gaping hole where the human mind grapples with the very deepest existential questions. Science can give facts but never meaning; Christianity trumps science on both accounts by applying facts of faith to the life of the believer in a way that science never can. We use the faculties of our senses to understand science, but it is the often neglected faculty of faith, and no other, with which we perceive the truth of Christianity.

The Year of Purification

This year has been good. Now, I do not mean the kind of good that comes from ease, from relaxation, or from peace. I mean the kind of good that feels like it was written, as O'Neill said, "In blood and tears." I mean the kind of good that seems like the hardest thing when its happening, and only looking back can I see the hand of God at work. I mean the kind of good that has truly, for the first time in a long time, made me able to say I am a better person than I was before. I still have many mountains left to climb; but for now, I can stand and look back at where I have been and say that it has been a really great year here at college, probably changing me more than any other eight-month period in my life. So, thanks to everyone involved. See you in August.

Waiting for the Sirens' Call

I guess everything has to end. No, I know everything has to end. I just wish that it was not always so. And yet...there is always the thrill of the unexpected and unknown to come.

I have become deeply pessimistic lately. Why? I was always like this a bit, but now I feel much more than ever that our lives are little but long periods of misery interrupted by moments of joy that sustain us until the next. I know these are negative thoughts...I do not tell myself to have them, though. If I could control this believe me, I would. I just fail to see where fulfillment is to come from when everything that has promised joy, or peace, or happiness has failed.

I do not want to be one of those who takes refuge behind a wall of insincerity and sarcasm. I want to be earnest, real. I want to really feel this pain and overcome it. But perhaps this desire to overcome is just what is holding me down. I want my life to be constant overcoming and no feeling of pain. My mind tells me this can not be so; but my heart longs for a time when it is free from the burdens of life.

The impossibility of laying down this heavy burden of sorrow is starting to become clear to me. I fear that this pain, this sin, will always be with me, even if it does not outwardly manifest itself. I know that I am being renewed day to day, yet at this point I simply have to cling with trust to the promise, because all of the outward signs say things are only getting worse. I know I should be growing; and I know that growth is the last thing I feel.

How do I overcome this tension between what I feel and what I know to be true? Why can I not, as so many seem able to, lose myself in some group, some cause, some religion? Why can I no longer distract myself from this pain? Is there any hope of it ever really ending?

I wish I could speak more clearly. Perhaps some day I will feel like I can. But there are things that are too painful to acknowledge except late in the night, when I can voice my complaint to the loving embrace of the Darkness that is so deep it becomes Light. In these moments alone can I find peace these days. I can only hope that I will learn to carry this Light to the world.

And I'll go with you in the springtime

This is a very sad time. We are fighting where we should be loving. I do not just mean fighting a war (or wars)...it is more than that. I think we are fighting in all areas of life against the very ones who need us, and the very ones who can give us what we need. Because what we need is simple: more than anything, people need love. Now, I do not mean love in the Hallmark sense; what I mean is real, true, devoted love and compassion. Few people experience it once in their lives, I fear.

Today I tried to go out of my way to do something nice for some friends. Of course this was only a small favor, something so small I am ashamed to admit how small the good I did was when the good I leave undone every day is so great. But I told them I would do a favor for them. What do you think they did? They resisted. They said they no longer wanted the very thing they had asked for a few minutes ago. Why is this? Why will human beings resist the very help they ask for when it is offered to them? There used to be a name for wanting to do everything for yourself and despising the compassion of others: it was called pride. And it used to be a bad thing. But this was not pride; I do not fault my friends. Simply we are not used to accepting things from others. We want to feel that we have earned everything we have. If something is a gift, we feel we have somehow cheated (or been cheated), and we reject it and, most likely, the person bearing it.

Why is this? Around Christmas time we all go mad for gifts. But I think it is not really the gifts we want. How often do fully functional adults get things for Christmas that they could not otherwise afford? These are not really gifts; they are material tokens of goodwill. And this is fine. I like to receive these tokens as much as the next person. But I know that if I don't get what I "want" for Christmas, I can simply buy it myself if I save up enough money.

I think a gift is something that we cannot possibly, because of whatever circumstances, procure for ourselves. If a co-worker brings me back a cookie at lunch, that is a token of goodwill. I am appreciative. But if that same co-worker offers to bring me dinner at home when I am shut in with illness, I resist. Surely there is some other intention; surely he really means to somehow take advantage of me. Surely I cannot inconvenience my fellow worker in receiving this gift. Is this because, deep down, I know I would not do the same for him?

There is a line in a song by Over the Rhine that I like. The song is called "All I Need is Everything", and in the song is the line, "There's nothing harder than learning how to receive." I think this is a perfect description of what is wrong with our hearts: we know we can get, we know we can achieve, we know we can create; but we do not know how to receive. If we cannot work for it, we do not want it. And this is a shame, because often times the things we so desperately need at our weakest moments are just those things we are too proud to receive.

I do not know how we can make ourselves better at receiving. Or perhaps we should wait to receive the gift of receiving! This is just silly talk, though. Many people probably will not even admit that there is anything they need which they cannot get for themselves. But look at their lives: look at the very areas where they are the most dissatisfied, and those are the areas where they long to receive but will not. I firmly believe that there is a longing inside of us that can never be fulfilled by any effort of our own, but only by another. In other words, I believe we are created to receive. What are we created to receive? I believe it to be love; for this seems to be about the only thing we cannot make for ourselves. Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps the matter is more complex than this. Surely it is. But for now, this will do.